MY JOURNEY

Since a very early age, I knew my relationship with food was not normal. I remember sneaking food, eating until I felt sick, and thinking about food constantly. I began playing softball around the age of 7. The physical activity was so much harder for an overweight child. This was also during a period of time where families were introduced to microwaves and convenience foods and for a family on the go they appeared to be great options. As I entered middle school and high school, I still struggled with bad eating habits, emotional eating, and hating myself for all of it.

Now fast forward to my early 20’s. I was married to a Navy man. I was already overweight and continually struggling with emotional eating. My self hate and anger toward myself for the bad eating habits grew worse and worse. And then my Navy man was deployed and 9-11 took place. I remember the worry and the sadness I felt just translated to eating and eating and eating. Before I knew it I was topping off at 310 lbs.

I was 27 years old, around 300 lbs, and completely unhappy. And then we found out we were pregnant. What was supposed to be one of the most beautiful moments in life became my most heartbreaking. Several weeks into the pregnancy, my babies heart beat just stopped. I was devastated. And the eating got even worse. And then another miscarriage. And what seemed like a string of heartbreaks continued. It was the doctor who out of desperation of not having answers threw out the one thing that all of us as overweight people hear on a regular basis…..”well it’s probably due to weight”. She made the suggestion that I do something major such as weight loss surgery. In less than a month I was set to undergo gastric bypass. I was so determined to have a baby that the warnings or horror stories didn’t mean much to me. I was willing to take the risk.

I was 29 years old and having a major weight loss surgery because somehow I had allowed myself to become 310 lbs. For several days prior to surgery I was on a liquid diet. I made it through that. I remember going into the surgery center the morning of the surgery and they didn’t even have a gown that fit me. They used two gowns and tied them together in the back. And then after surgery I stayed in the hospital for 5 days with no food at all. When I walked out of the hospital I had already lost close to 40 lbs in a little over a 2 week period. Of course I was excited but never realized what this was doing to my body. My first meals literally consisted of 2 bites of yogurt. Literally 2 bites. My body was starving itself. In the matter of 7 months I lost 140 lbs. And within a few months I was once again pregnant. I decided to switch doctors and this doctor seemed to not only be more knowledgeable but truly care about me as a person. After a panel of blood tests, it was found that I had something called the MTHFR Gene Mutation. There was an actual medical condition that I had that may have contributed to all the miscarriages. I remember being so angry at the other doctor because she wouldn’t even take the time to look into my overall health. She took the easy way out and blamed my weight because it was what she saw in front of her. I went on to have an unbelievable pregnancy and gave birth to our first child. The doctor was amazing and watched me every step of the pregnancy knowing that the gastric bypass now played a huge role being that I could not eat as a regular pregnant woman would. Over the next couple of years, my body began to feel much different. I was tired all the time, sluggish, my hair would fall out in clumps, I was weak, and many days just didn’t feel good. I started to research gastric bypass and after effects and it was downright alarming. In my case I was never told that I needed to be on a strict vitamin regimine. No one ever asked me why I was overweight so the emotional eating was never solved. I was never taught about nutrition so I still didn’t understand the importance of a healthy food relationship. I went in and had a blood panel done and the results were scary. I had become anemic, I was extremely low on every vitamin, and my iron levels were so low that the doctor immediately put me on liquid iron. I would take this iron and dump or throw up every morning because it was such an overload. I was 32 years old and felt like I was 80. Then at 33 I became pregnant with our second child. My iron levels were so low. In order to be able to maintain the pregnancy I had to go to the hospital 3 times a week and have iron injected directly into my veins. My arms were bruised and battered. I was exhausted and tired. Then we were told that she may have down syndrome. At 8 months she stopped growing and the decision was made to deliver her early. She came out as healthy and beautiful as ever with the exception of the umbilical cord being wrapped around her neck several times.

When I turned 37 years old, I had two small children and I had gained some of that weight back. I had learned that mochas and cookies went down much easier than a steak. I could eat a ton of crackers but broccoli didn’t sit very good. I was at 235 lbs and scared to ever be how I once was in life. I decided to start getting serious about my health. I completed a Whole30 clean eating challenge that was incredibly hard. During it I lost 18 lbs. BUT, here is the catcher, I FELT amazing. I felt like I had more energy that I had ever had. My skin was clear. My hair wasn’t falling out in clumps. I didn’t feel bloated and sick. I felt like a new person. And in that moment the light bulb went off…..this is what a healthy relationship with food feels like.

So fast forward to today. I’m 39 years old. Life has taken place just like it has to everyone. Divorces or separations, children, everyday craziness of life and the world in general. One day I looked back at my life and I really thought about how far I had come. I had discovered this healthier relationship with food. Although it’s never perfect, I learn something new each day. I realized that my body had went through so much. How did I make it through that? I began working out more and trying new things such as hiking. The feeling that I got from these experiences and being able to say “I did it” was amazing. I began to realize how much your self worth and self esteem plays into your emotional eating and the relationship you learn to have with food. It was truly an eye opening revelation.

What is Beast Mode??? The state of mind you enter when you are so determined nothing else matters. Opinions of others mean nothing. The only opinion that matters is of yourself. Beast Mode is the inner empowerment that strengthens and builds you to new heightened levels. It’s a mindset, an attitude, and a lifestyle!

Welcome to Beast Mode Fitness!!